The Bucket List dialogue
Edward Perriman Cole died in May.
It was a Sunday afternoon, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
It's difficult to understand the sum of a person's life.
Some people will tell you it's measured by the ones left behind.
Some believe it can be measured in faith.
Some say by love.
Other folks say life has no meaning at all.
Me?
I believe that you measure yourself...
...by the people who measured themselves by you.
What I can tell you for sure is that, by any measure...
...Edward Cole lived more in his last days on Earth...
...than most people manage to wring out of a lifetime.
I know that when he died, his eyes were closed...
...and his heart was open.
" Name the five presidents whose last names begin with the letter H."
H?
Carter Chambers:Warren G. Harding, Rutherford B. Hayes, Herbert Hoover...
...and the two Harrisons, Benjamin and William Henry.
Ah.
Thought I'd get you with the double Harrisons.
Ha-ha-ha. - You're sick, you know?
You think that's sick, can you name their wives?
- No. - Neither can I.
Yo, Cartey-car! - Yo!
- When they need the Camaro, man? - Yesterday.
Huh?
- All right, I got one for you. - All right.
Who invented the radio?
Carter Chambers:Ah. That's a hard one.
- What do you know, I finally got you. - No.
I don't know if you want who they think invented the radio...
...or the person who actually invented the radio.
Well, in here it says...
Marconi, right?
Yeah, it ain't him?
He's the one they generally think invented the radio.
In fact, he got a Nobel Prize for it in 1909.
Truth is a guy named Nikola Tesla...
...patented the basic idea for the radio in 1896.
Same idea Marconi used for his patent several years later.
Tesla fought Marconi till the day he died in 1943.
Same year the Supreme Court ruled...
...that Marconi's patent was invalid...
...recognizing Tesla as the inventor of the radio.
Carter.
You really are sick.
Oh, hi, Ginnie.
Well, good. About time. What did they say?
All right, what does that mean?
Kopi Luwak. The rarest beverage in the world.
Take a whiff.
Go ahead.
Uh, Mr. Cole, the board is ready to hear your proposal.
Hold on just a second.
Go ahead. Go on.
Well?
Really good.
Really good.
Mr. Cole. Sir?
Do you know what a Philistine is, Jim?
Sir, it's Richard.
That's right, Phil. Give them the spiel.
Thank you, Mr. Chairman, fellow supervisors.
We at the Cole Group feel the decline of the Winwood Hospital...
...is a direct result of significant fiscal mismanagement.
- I beg your pardon, this hospital... - Overhead costs are nearly double.
Your lease and land costs were similarly overbid.
Donations have atrophied to the point you've fallen far behind the curve...
...in Research, Pediatrics, Oncology and MRI.
The Cole Group has privatized 15 public hospitals in seven years...
...each of which now provides, or will soon provide...
...the highest standard of medical care to their communities.
- Despite being grossly understaffed? - The better the doctor, the need...
What about beds? There are rumors...
...you increased the number of patients to the point of overpopulation.
Patient density has always been...
And your emergency rooms, I mean, they are known...
I run hospitals, not health spas.
Two beds to a room, no exceptions.
Look, I passed up a lunch with Michelle Pfeiffer to be here...
...so can we desist from all of this inane posturing?
Boys and girls, you need me.
I do not need you.
Now, there's a sizeable check in this envelope...
...let me know if you decide to cash it.
Mr. Cole, are you all right?
What are you doing here?
Oh, you know, fighting for my life. You?
Uh, no, I was just surprised...
and I don't care about the insurance!
And tell Dr. Shit-for-Brains...
...I wanna know everything about this bleomycin drip he wants to get me on.
I hear it eats your lungs.
When I address Congress next month...
...I don't want to do it breathing through a hole in my throat.
- That's not exactly what happens. - Who the hell is this guy?
- Where's Thomas? Tom! - In plain view, sir.
- Hi, Tom. - We're gonna move you into the bed.
I can do it myself. I ain't dead yet.
How about now?
Have I fired you lately?
Not since the Oprah incident.
- That was a good one. Ha-ha-ha. - Yeah, it's good stuff.
Who the hell is that?
Who the hell are you?
He said, "Who the hell...?"
Oh, God. What am I, in the morgue?
That was the first time I laid eyes on Edward Cole.
An inauspicious beginning, to be sure.
Oh, spare me. Sweet Jesus.
I hate these... I hate tubes!
I'll be damned if I'm gonna spend the next three weeks laying next to this guy.
Zombie boy. Looks half-dead already.
You can't have your own room. It would create an enormous PR problem.
I don't give a shit about PR.
I want my own room. It's my hospital, for chrissake.
Don't tell me I can't have my own room.
No offense, pal.
You have publicly defended this policy countless times.
You run hospitals, not health spas. Two beds to a room, no exceptions.
I've never been sick before.
Okay, Dr. Eldridge will be in in a minute to dot you up, okay?
Dot me up.
Jesus.
Thomas...
...don't let me wake up paralyzed.
I'll do what I can.
This really your hospital?
Yeah, pretty much.
Might wanna do something about the pea soup.
By the morning of the surgery...
...the cancer had spread so far throughout Edward's body...
...that the doctors gave him only a 5 percent chance to survive...
...but then, they didn't account for how pissed off they'd made him.
Mm...
No visitors come in to see him?
He's been sleeping a lot since they brought him back.
Mm.
That's another reason I don't miss nursing.
It's always so sad seeing a patient like that, all alone...
...after that kind of surgery.
At least he's quiet.
Day after day, out of sight, and almost out of...
Rachel called this morning.
Really? How's she doing?
She's auditioning for first violin in next semester's symphony.
That's wonderful.
Need any more books?
No, I'm... I'm fine.
Got your meds for the night?
Mm-hm. I already took them.
How about pillows?
I'm fine, Virginia, really. Thank you.
You know, I could stay a while if you want me to.
No use both of us being useless in the morning, right?
Okay.
She gone?
What?
As something of a public health expert...
...I believe more people die from visitors...
...than diseases.
"It's the Berries," for 600.
This Swedish berry is also known as the cowberry.
- What is a lingonberry? - Uh, what is a lingonberry?
Correct! - "It's the Berries," for 800.
In a Top 40 hit of 1956, this "Berry" told Beethoven to roll over.
Who is Chuck Berry?
Who is Chuck Berry? - Yes.
Hey.
Duke?
You mind?
Oh. Sorry. No.
- What is the Mariana Trench? - What is the Mariana Trench?
Good morning, Edward.
- Morning. - How you feeling?
Dumb question.
How's that catheter?
Don't know how I ever did without it.
Ah, humor is a good sign.
Kiss my ass.
As is surliness. It's one of your favorite flavors, right?
- Yeah. - Let's see what we got here.
It looks good.
All right, so the operation went well, okay?
All the post-op brain scans are clean.
Now we go after the sarcoma in the rest of your body.
Now, unfortunately, your blood markers are extremely high...
...so I would like to begin chemo this morning.
Love the smell of chemo in the morning.
Apocalypse Now, right?
Makes me feel like victory!
- I'll check in with you later. - All right.
Say, doc? Doc?
You think you could just take a look at...?
- Sorry, I'm late. Who's your doctor? - He's Dr. Gibian.
I'll let the nurse know.
Appreciate it.
Bitch, ain't it?
- What are quarks? - What are quarks?
- How long you been here? - Oh.
In and out over the past few months. Got me on an experimental treatment.
- What is the quadratic equation? - What is the quadratic equation?
How rough is it?
Chemo?
Not too bad.
If you don't mind around-the-clock vomiting...
...watching your veins turn black...
...and feeling like your bones are made of napalm...
...it's a day at the beach.
That's a relief.
Of course, I hear people react to it differently.
You'll know by tonight.
Tonight?
Listen, um...
...you don't mind my asking...
...what is that contraption you got over there?
It's a siphon. Makes coffee.
What else does it do?
What else does it have to do?
Did you know that coffee was originally discovered by a shepherd in Ethiopia?
- You don't say. - It's true.
Seems his goats were eating berries from an unfamiliar bush.
Before long, they were running and jumping all over...
...having a gay old time.
So the shepherd took some of the branches to the local monastery...
...where the abbots decided to roast them.
When the berries burned...
...the beans inside gave off such a pleasant aroma...
...they brewed them into a stew.
Stew, huh?
And over the next few hundred years, it spread to Arabia, Europe...
...even Sumatra, like that hooch you got over there.
It's called Kopi Luwak.
I know what it's called.
You do?
Never catch me drinking that shit.
Have you ever tried it?
No. I'm more of a instant-coffee man.
Here, here we are.
- Thanks. - No problem.
There you are.
You always had those freckles?
Far as I know.
Nice...
...freckles.
Hmm.
Okay, we got prosciutto and melons, some burrata mozzarella...
...and a veal paillard.
The folks at Toscana send their best.
You sure you wanna eat all that?
That's the plan.
What?
Oh, Uh...
You want Thomas to make you a plate?
Tommy, uh, fix a plate for, uh...
Carter.
First name or last?
First.
Really? Interesting.
So you want, uh...? Might cheer you up.
No, thanks, I'll pass.
You sure?
Mm, yum, yum.
Mm-mm.
Best in L.A.
It ain't the best in L.A. no more.
Oh, man.
Maya made the honor roll again.
Bet your ass she did.
My God.
Somewhere, some lucky guy's having a heart attack.
Fellas.
Mr. Cole.
Don't pay any attention to me. I'm just, uh, talking to myself.
It's from Kai.
Says he wants to be a mechanic like his granddad when he grows up.
I hope you talked him out of that.
Well, I tried.
What do we got here?
It's a Shelby 350.
- I always wanted one of those. - Yeah.
- Kai remembered. - Hmm.
Um...
Mom seems to think you're not getting enough rest.
Mm-hm.
She loves you, Pop.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
You'll, uh, call us when you get your test results, huh?
Mm-hm.
If that day ever comes.
Okay.
- Take care. - Okay.
He your oldest?
Yeah.
What's he do?
- Roger's a tax attorney. - Oh.
Here.
His brother, Lee, is an engineer.
Who's the pretty little lady?
That's Rachel. Youngest of the three.
Big age difference.
Yeah, well, she was a surprise.
We'd hardly gotten the boys out of the house when she came along.
She's an outstanding violinist.
You got kids?
Depends.
- Never stayed married long enough. - Oh, well...
...don't worry, I've been married long enough for the both of us.
How's that going?
It's going.
That good, huh?
Well, that's why they invented light switches.
Don't get me wrong, I loved being married, been there four times.
Problem is I love being single too.
Hard to do them both at the same time.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Only successful marriage I had was me and my work.
I started making money when I was 16...
...and that was that.
Never stopped.
I'll be damned.
I wanted to be a history professor.
Nobody's perfect.
I made it through two months of City College...
...before Virginia gave me the news.
And then, you know...
...young, black, broke, baby on the way...
Take the first decent job that comes along.
I always meant to go back...
...but 45 years goes by pretty fast.
Like smoke through a keyhole.
Shit!
Don't give me the morphine while I'm sleeping. It's a waste.
Maybe she's trying to kill us both. You ever think of that?
Gin.
What are you, the devil?
What if I lost my mind already?
Jesus, no.
No. No, no Jesus, this is not praying.
I'm talking to myself out loud, that's...
You ever think about suicide?
Suicide? Me? - Yeah.
Lord, no.
Thought so. Stage one.
What?
The five stages, but...
Denial.
Then anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
So of course you're not thinking of suicide.
You're in stage one. Denial.
What stage are you in?
Denial.
And thinking about suicide.
Yeah, okay. It's just a frame of...
Well, it looks like you won't be needing this anymore.
- That's it? - Yep, fourth and final.
What's next?
They have to run all the tests first, see where we stand.
- Well, how long? - Takes a while.
I'll get Dr. Gibian to schedule them when I see him.
Thanks.
I'm on for another hour, anything you need?
Clean bill of health if you got one.
Hang in there, Carter.
That's what I do.
And line to center, base hit...
...Kent will have to play it on three bounces...
...and Alou will score. The throw goes to the back...
Hit the cutoff man, for crying out loud.
You see...
...that's the problem with the game today:
No fundamentals.
Did you ever read The Time of Your Life?
- William Saroyan. - Yeah.
"No foundation. All the way down the line. "
When we were growing up... What are you doing?
Nothing, scribbling.
Scribbling? What?
Nothing. Just scribbling.
Oh, sure, that's what you wanna do...
...bounce a slider with a man on third.
These kids today, they...
Earphones. I'm talking to myself, again.
- Edward? - Doc.
How's it going there?
Dumb question.
I got the test back.
I'll just lay it out, huh?
Six months.
A year if we're lucky.
There is an experimental program that we've been conducting...
...and I don't wanna get your hopes up...
...but I think you would be an excellent candidate...
Hey, doc.
Yes?
You're blocking my view.
Oh.
Sorry.
Anyway, if there's any questions...
...day or night, you know where to find me.
One question.
Sure, of course.
Carter, you wanna ask Dr. Hollins something?
I mean, I'm not familiar with Mr. Chambers'...
Well, get familiar.
Uh...
I just wanted to know how I stand, that's all.
Sure. How about I'll go take a look at your chart, okay?
Thank you.
Edward?
Edward?
There was a survey once.
A thousand people were asked, if they could know in advance...
...would they want to know the exact day of their death.
Ninety-six percent of them said no.
I always kind of leaned toward the other 4 percent.
I thought it would be liberating...
...knowing how much time you had left to work with.
A year at best.
It turns out, it's not.
We're pretty much out of options.
You want to play cards?
Thought you'd never ask.
Rise and shine.
Or that.
Let me see that.
And, uh, Thomas...
...call Marie at Christie's.
Tell her I won't be bidding this season.
I understand.
Uh, sir, I don't mean to sound indelicate...
...but how do you want me to handle your?
Death?
Treat it as if it were your own.
So leave all the money to my assistant?
Go get me one of those almond croissants that I like.
And don't buy any green bananas.
- What are you doing? - What is this?
- Come on, give it back. - What is it?
Give it back.
It was on the floor. I didn't know it was a state secret.
Well, my freshman philosophy professor...
...assigned this exercise in forward thinking.
He called it a "Bucket List. "
We were supposed to make a list of things we wanted to do in our lives...
...before we... - Kicked the bucket.
Cutesy.
Anyway, I wrote things like "make a million dollars"...
..."first black president," you know, young man's wishes.
I was gonna redo the list, but then...
"Help a complete stranger for the good. "
"Laugh until I cry. "
Not to be judgmental, but this is extremely weak.
Well, it's pointless now.
I would argue the exact opposite.
All right. That's it.
What are you doing?
A little rewrite, that's all.
I mean, don't you want to go out with some balls? Guns blazing?
Have a little fun?
It was not supposed to be about guns blazing or anything like that.
You're missing the point.
What the hell is "witness something majestic"?
Have you ever been to the Himalayas?
Eh.
"Drive a Mustang Shelby. " Not bad.
I got one. All right. How about skydiving?
Now we're onto something.
We're onto something?
- Uh-huh. - Let me see that. Come on.
Fine.
"Kiss the most beautiful girl in the world"?
How do you propose doing that?
Volume.
"Get a tattoo. " Is that the sum of your ambition?
Edward, I've taken baths deeper than you.
It's easy to be deep in freshman philosophy.
What's Dr. Hollins say?
We got months, right?
A year, maybe.
You think 45 years went by fast?
We could do this.
We should do this.
No, I couldn't.
Don't think about money. That's all I got is money.
But I don't know. I...
What don't you know?
It was meant to be metaphorical.
- I'm just trying to get a handle on... - Blah, blah, blah.
Metaphors.
You're the one crying you never took a shot. Here's your chance.
My chance to what? Make a fool of myself?
Never too late.
What do you think happens now?
I go back and sit around listening to people...
...talking about mezzanine financing and subordinated debt...
...pretending that I care about dead money.
You go home to some ceremonial procession into death...
...with everyone standing around watching you die...
...while you try to comfort them.
Is that what you want, to be smothered by pity and grief?
Well, not me.
And in your heart, Carter, I believe not you either.
We're both in the same boat. How's that for a metaphor?
We got a real opportunity here.
Opportunity?
That is real twisted, even by your standards.
We still feel good, right? Energy's coming back a little bit.
Asymptomatic, the doc says.
The way I see it, we can lay around here...
...hoping for a miracle in some bullshit science experiment...
...or we can put some moves on.
Skydiving, huh?
All right.
What kind of hospital is this? There isn't an M.D. within a mile.
Virginia, we have to talk.
What did they say?
Uh, Mrs. Chambers, I'm gonna give you two a little quiet time.
Excuse me.
It's not good.
I knew we should have gone to UCLA.
The surgeons are better. Post-op is better.
- Wouldn't have mattered. - You don't know that.
We're not giving up. I want another opinion.
Ah, Virginia.
Yes, Oncology, please. Dr. Veteri's office.
Virginia, no.
Let me handle this.
Dr. Veteri? Virginia Chambers.
Yes, that's right...
I'm going away for a while.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about Edward and I are going away.
Edward and you?
Going away where?
I don't expect you to understand.
You're damn right I don't understand.
I don't understand how you can just give up like this.
How you can just quit... Quit fighting.
- Virginia. - Why don't you tell our children that?
See what they say when they find out you've given up on them.
Given up on them?
Given up on them?
I've got 45 years greased up under the hood of a car...
...so that they didn't want for anything, and they didn't.
I think I've earned some time for myself.
To do what? Run off with a total stranger?
He's not a stranger.
I'm your wife.
And I'm your husband. And I'm their father.
And I'm a grandfather. And I'm a damn mechanic!
And you're a fool.
You're a fool who thinks he's figured out a way how not to have cancer.
I'm sorry.
My husband is not for sale.
She hates me.
Do you hate me?
Not yet.
And so it began.
I've always been afraid to go up in an airplane...
...now I'm gonna jump out of one at the whim of a maniac!
Wanna get it?
How do you suggest we do that?
Wait.
Ow!
Aah!
Damn it.
Not a word.
Back to the seat, Kyle.
You'll have to forgive him, Kyle. He's worried about the little woman.
This has nothing to do with my wife.
Thirty seconds to drop.
The Sequel was like that.
She never backed me up on anything.
The Sequel?
The second Mrs. Edward Cole.
God, that woman hated me.
Maybe because you called her The Sequel.
Jeez, Kyle, I never looked at it that way.
- Fifteen seconds. - No, no.
- Wait! Wait, I can't do this. - Sure you can.
No. I can't. Really.
It's not the jump you're afraid of.
The hell it's not!
You're just afraid your chute won't open...
...and you'll show up at your own funeral as a Denver omelet.
No, I'm pretty much just worried the chute won't open.
No, no!
Man's got some lungs, huh?
Let's hit the silk!
Geronimo!
Oh, yeah, beautiful!
Aah! Aah!
Pull the thing! Pull the cord!
How about this, huh? This is living.
I hate your rotten guts.
Surrender to the void!
Which one of these damn cords do you pull?
Don't touch it. We're not in the drop zone yet. We could wind up in the...
Okay. Let's deploy.
I got a feeling I'm falling
We're in the red zone. Pull the cord.
I got a feeling I'm falling in love
Pull the damn cord!
I was in love once.
Tommy, we live to die another day.
How lucky for me.
No jokes, Thomas, remember the will. You're so close.
Let me ask you something.
Uh, is it Tommy or Thomas?
Um, it's actually Matthew, but he finds that too biblical.
Let's eat something. Come on!
Is he insane?
Depends.
So you decided?
No, I couldn't think of anything I wanted to be stuck with permanently.
What's permanently? We're gonna be dead in five minutes.
- What? - Figure of speech.
So no Confederate flag, no black Jesus.
No, I'm gonna...
Pass. Yeah, sure.
Well, I never agreed to desecrate my body.
You worried they won't bury you in a Jewish cemetery?
What, the wife?
It's a tattoo.
It's not like you're dumping her for another woman.
I never been with another woman.
Whoa.
That's gotta be on the list.
No, no. I don't think so.
Sixty-six years?
Man, oh, man. We ought to have a big orgy.
No.
Orgy's not even being unfaithful.
No.
It's just, like, professional.
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